Fear of offending, seeming selfish or stepping into conflict … Knowing how to say “no” is not always easy. However, this word is essential for living a peaceful life by shielding oneself from excessive demands.
But then, why is it so hard for some to assert themselves and how to do it? Here are some elements of answer and advice to avoid saying yes to everything.
Why is it so hard to say “no”?
According to an Ipsos survey, the resolution for the year 2024 for 41% of the French is none other than… “to dare to say no”. This proves that this simple word is not easy to pronounce for many of us. Knowing how to say “no” at work as in personal life is thus accompanied by a certain guilt, a fear of disappointing, and the fear of being negatively judged by others.
A lack of assertiveness that proves to be common. Evidenced by, the many books on personal development providing tips on how to be assertive. According to the psychiatrist Christophe André, author of many works for the general public, there are three main barriers to self-assertion. These barriers prevent us from expressing a straightforward “no” to a request that does not suit us:
- The first of these obstacles is the fear of upsetting others. Indeed, responding negatively to a request is inevitably disappointing for the person who makes it.
- Moreover, according to the psychiatrist, we often tend to imagine the worst: namely a “no” that would lead to a conflict. And we are many who avoid arguments.
- Another significant psychological block: social anxiety. For some of us, the fear of negative judgment is so paralyzing that it even leads to physical symptoms. Tight throat, palpitations… Thus, the moment of saying “no” is so overwhelming, that we prefer to give up on it by answering “yes”.
Knowing how to say “no”… to better say “yes”
As a result, always according to Christophe André, there is a natural avoidance of “risky” situations. To be clear: we have so fully integrated the act of saying “yes” to everything, that saying “no” becomes increasingly difficult. The risk then is significant of losing oneself in the desires of others, no longer being able to define one’s own… Because in order to authentically say “yes”, one must first learn to say “no“.
If saying “no” proves difficult for many, this refusal is however essential for the expression of true “yes” statements made with conviction. If our responses to others’ requests are always positive, then how do we assert our identity? The challenge remains to find the appropriate ways to express this much dreaded “no”. In reality, knowing how to say “no” without offending can be learned. Below are some thoughts and action plans.
Learning to say “no” without feeling guilty, it’s a skill!
To learn to say “no” at work as in personal life, one must first work on self-assertiveness. Christophe André suggests in his works some ways to assert oneself… and finally get to pronounce this much dreaded “no”.
One of them involves practicing potentially “offending”. As the “no” is initially disturbing for the one who receives it, the fear of the one who emits it is therefore to offend. It is therefore advisable to regularly place oneself in “risky” situations in order to become familiar with this fear. For example, you can participate in more debates with friends and at work.
It’s not about saying “no” for the sake of saying “no”, but about not saying “yes” when internally thinking “no”…
Don’t you agree with your colleague about the latest movie on show? Speak up! Don’t you like the design of the Apple MacBook Air 15 everyone is talking about? Dare to say it! Easier said than done, but with practice, it will become easier.
Of course, it’s not about vehemently opposing, but simply sharing one’s opinion, which holds as much value as anyone else’s. By repeatedly practicing this self-assertion, it will become natural, and the daunting “no” will consequently be less paralyzing.
In his book “Saying no, it can be learned!” (Dangles, 1999), the therapist Dominique Fromm also gives some advice on no longer feeling obligated to say “yes”.
1. Knowing our limits
The first of these pieces of advice is to know our limits. Indeed, how do we know when to say “no” when we don’t really know what suits us and what doesn’t? Start by clarifying in your mind the situations you no longer want to find yourself in and those that suit you. In personal life, this might be all those times you accepted an invitation when you didn’t necessarily like the proposed activity. At work, what cases have you agreed to handle when you were not at all comfortable? In other words: what are your tastes, your priorities, your values, etc.
2. Consider the consequences for oneself of a forced “yes”
This brings us to this second piece of advice: before answering “yes” (while thinking “no”), consider the consequences of this inauthentic response. One of the main obstacles to saying “no” is primarily thinking about the other person: how will they feel if I respond negatively? It’s forgetting that you’re not responsible for managing other people’s feelings. If your “no” is stated without aggression, the person receiving it must, on their part, learn to accept it.
3. Do not hesitate to express discomfort with refusal
For better acceptance of our refusal, it can be very useful to clearly express our discomfort. The aim: to make our interlocutor understand that we do not refuse happily. For example, you can explain: “I hope I don’t upset you, but I don’t feel like going out tonight”.
4. Provide a clear justification
Providing a clear justification to others is also preferable. If too many explanations reveal our guilt, a clarification of our decision allows the other person to better accept our refusal. For example: “I don’t want to go out tonight, because I had a complicated week at work and I’m tired”. Or: “I can’t handle this case, because I’m already overwhelmed and I won’t be able to respond in the allotted time”.
5. It is always possible to go back on a “false yes”
In conclusion, don’t forget that it is always possible to go back on a “false yes”. This is not akin to betrayal, quite the contrary. By explaining to others why you are retracting your “yes”, you show them your trust by sharing your feelings with them. For example: “I told you yes, but upon reflection, it doesn’t suit me. I still have trouble saying no, that’s why I accepted immediately, but I’m trying to improve on this point”…
Nonviolent communication to the rescue of the “no”
As we have just seen, communication is therefore very important to say “no” in a way that is more likely to be accepted by the other person. For this, the non-violent communication (NVC) is an interesting line of thought to delve into. This way of communicating with respect and kindness is taught especially in situations of disagreement, or even already existing conflicts. Its principles are very close to the advice given by specialists on how to say “no”. Namely becoming aware of our feelings, to verbalize them in the best possible way…